Thursday, March 31, 2005

Patawa

SIR: Inday, c Sir mo 2..bangga kotse ko and i nid cash!

INDAY: Aru!!! dugo-dugo gang ka noh!

SIR: Gaga! c Sir mo talaga to!

INDAY: Gago! c Sir ang tawag saken CUPCAKE!!!!

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TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?

BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.

TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?

BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!

TEACHER: baket naman?

BOY: malalaglag po salamin ko.

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Dalawang magkaibigan nagtetext....

PEPE: Tol! pasa load namn! 2pesos lang, my katx lng me.

Tol: cge. w8 lng.

(message sent)

Pepe: Tnx tol! bait mo talaga!

Tol: Gago! wag ka na magtex! sayang ung pinasa ko sayo!!!

Pepe: k.

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ERAP: doc, i accidentally swallowed a chicken bone.

DOC: is it choking?

ERAP: it's max's.

DOC: i didnt mean chowking...i said, r u choking?

ERAP: no.. im serious!

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a priest lost a bird & asked during mass...

Priest: anyone got a bird?

all men stood up.

Priest: i mean, any1 seen a bird?

all women stood up.

Priest: i meant any1 seen my bird?

...all nuns stood up

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ATTY: Inday! pwede mo bng idiscribe d2 sa korte ang taong nangrape sayo?

INDAY: maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong at bungal...

SUSPEK: cge!!!!...mangasar ka pa!!!!

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dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po cla...d nila alam ang kanilang
ginagawa.

Madre2: ay yung sakin marunong!!!!

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dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....

Ngongo: "nges hu?"....

MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!!!!

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Dentist & Lover....

Dentist: we have 2 stop seeing each other... halata na tayo ng MR mo.

Lover: but we love each other!

Dentist: oo nga...but were running out of excuses....ISA NA LNG IPIN MO!

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Erap: lintek na ibon 2!! iniputan ako!

Bodyguard: sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper...

Erap: wag na!! pano mo pa mapupunasan un e nakalipad na?! tanga!!!
bobo!!!
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Arab interview at US immigration:

Q: ur name pls..

A: abdul aziz

Q: sex?

A: twice a wik..

Q: i mean male or female?

A: doesn't matter.... sometimes even with camel...


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Patient: dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...

Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
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Jingoy: Dad, 22o bang may side effect ang viagra?

Erap: tanga! sa harap effect nyan hindi sa side!!!!
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Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...

Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo e..

Wife: (taas ang kilay) e baket ikaw nakabrief?!!

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u wont beliv wat things

people do these days...

i was sitting nxt

2 dis girl in church

& in the middle of the mass

she light a cigaret!

na-shock ako!!!!...

i almost dropped my Beer!!!!

Friday, March 11, 2005

"Andoy"

Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a fourth grader boy who would follow this
route to school everyday:

He has to cross the rugged plains and cross the dangerous highway where vehicles are
recklessly driving to and from. Once passed this highway, the boy would take a short cut by passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi to God, and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect.

He was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find innocence so uplifting in the
morning, "Kamusta Andoy! Papasok ka na?" "Opo padre... " he would flash his innocent grin,
the priest would be touched.

The priest was so concerned that one day he talked to Andoy, "From school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you can pass through the Church and I can accompany you to the other side of the road... that way I can see that you are home safe ...."

"Thank you father ..."

"Why don't you go home ... why do you stay in this Church right after school?"

"I just want to say "Hi" to my friend, God," and the priest would leave the boy to spend time
beside the altar, talking by himself, but he was hiding behind the altar to listen to what this boy has to say to his heavenly FATHER.

"You know my math exam was pretty bad today, but I did not cheat - although my seatmate is
bullying me for notes ... I ate one cracker and drank my water, Itay had a bad season and all I
can eat is this cracker. Thank you for this! I saw a poor kitten who was hungry and I know how he feels so I gave my last cracker to him ... funny but I am not that hungry ... Look, this is my last pair of slippers ... I may have to walk barefooted next week ... you see this is about to be broken.. but it is okay ... at least I am still going to school ... some says we will have a hard season this month, some of my classmates have already stopped going to school ... please help them get to school again, please God? ... Oh, you know, Inay had hit me again, it is painful, but I know this pain will pass away, at least I still have a mother ... God, you want to see my bruises? I know you can heal them ...here... here and .... Oh ... blood ... I guess you knew about this one
huh? Please don't be mad at Inay, she is just tired and she worries for the food in our table and my schooling that is why she hits us ... Oh, I think I am in love ... there's this pretty girl in my class, her name is Anita ... do you think she will like me? Anyway, at least I know you will always like me, I don't have to be anybody just to please you, you are my very best friend! Hey your birthday is two months from now!!! Aren't you excited? I am! wait till you see, I have a gift for you .... but it is a surprise! I hope you will like it! Oooops, I have to go ..." then he stood up and calls out, "Padre, padre, I am finished talking to my friend .. you can accompany me to the other side of the road now"

This routine happens everyday. Andoy never fails. Father Agaton shares this every Sunday to
the people in his church because he has not seen a very pure faith and trust in God, a very
positive look at negative situations.

One Christmas day, Father Agaton was sick so he could not make it in the Church, he was sent
to the hospital. The Church was left to 4 manangs who ould chant the rosary in 1000 miles per hour, would not smile and would always find fault in what you do, they are also very well versed in cursing if you irritate them! They were kneeling, saying their kilometric rosary when Andoy,
coming from his Christmas party, playfully dashed in, "Hello God!!!!! I " P----!!!!! (a curse)
Bata ka!!!! Alam mo nang may nagdadasal!!!!! Alis!!!!!"

Poor Andoy was so terrified, "where's Father Agaton? He is supposed to help me cross the
street .... and to be able to cross the street I will have to pass by the back door of this church ...
not only that, I have to greet Jesus-it is His birthday, I have a gift right here ...." just as he
was about to get the gift out of his shirt, the manang pulled his shirt and threw him out of the
church.

"Susmaryosep!!! (does a sign of the cross fervently) Alis kang bata ka, kung hindi matatamaan ka!!!

So the boy had no choice but to cross the dangerous side of the road in front of the church.
He crossed. A fast moving bus came in. There was a blind curve. The boy was protecting his
gift inside his shirt, so he was not looking. There was so little time. Andoy died on the spot.
A lot of people crowded the poor boy, the body of a lifeless young boy... Suddenly, out of
nowhere a tall man in pure white shirt and pants, a face so mild and gentle, but with eyes full of
tears... He came and carried the boy in His arms, He was crying. Curious bystanders nudged the
man in white, and asked, "excuse me sir, are you related to this child? Do you know this
child?" The man in white, His face mourning and in agony, lifted up and answered, "He was
my bestfriend ... " was all he said.

He took the badly wrapped gift in the bloody chest of the lifeless boy, and placed it near His
heart. He stood up and carried the boy away and they both disappeared in sight. The crowd was
curious...

The next day, Father Agaton learned of the shocking news. He visited the house, and
wanted to verify about the man in white. He consulted the parents
of Andoy. "How did you know that your son died?" A man in white brought him here." sobbed the mother. "What did he say?" The father answered, "He did not say anything. He was
mourning. We do not know him and yet he was very lonely at our son's death, as if he knew our son very well. But there was something peaceful and unexplainable about him. He gave me my son, and then he smiled peacefully. He rubbed my son's hair away from his face and kissed him on his forehead, then he whispered something ..." "What did he say?" "He said to my boy ..." the
father began, "Thank you for the gift ... I will see you soon... you will be with me ..." and the father of the boy continued, "and you know for a while, it felt so wonderful... I cried, but I do not know why .... all I know is I cried in tears of joy ... I could not explain it father, but when that man left, something peaceful came over me, I felt a deep sense of love inside... I could not explain the joy in my heart, I knew my boy is in heaven now ... but ... tell me father, who is this man that my son talks to everyday in your church, you should know because you are always there... except on the time of his death ..."

Father Agaton suddenly felt the tears welling in his eyes, with trembling knees, he murmurred," ... He was talking to no one .... but ....GOD...."

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

y u shud reply 2 txt msgs!

Chinie is a typical college girl who enjoys life to the fullest. She loves her boyfriend so much and texts him every now and then. JB is Chinie's boyfriend who works in a call center in Ortigas. He's always busy doing so many things. He only manage to reply to Chinie's texts when he got off from work.

One time JB receive a message from Chinie: "hi baby! muzta na po? miss na kta! twag ka pgdting u po ng hauz ha! yngatz! lovu!" JB ignored the message because he always receive the same message whenever it is time for him to go home from work. "baby ko, miss na kta! kmain knb?! yngatz ka po pauwi mo ha! antay kong tawag mo. lovu!" "baby, san ka na po?! daya naman hindi ka nagre- rply. well, basta antay ko na lng call mo! lovu!"

JB reaches home and lay on his bed. The last time he knew is that he's reading Chinie's text. He was so tired he fall asleep and wasn't able to return Chinie's call. He can still hear his phone beeps but he's too tired to take a glimpse on the message. When he woke up the next day, he remember that he needs to call Chinie. He ignored the messages and dialed Chinie's #. No one's answering in her house. He called up her cellphone and he was surprised that her father answered the call.

In his voice you can feel his tears and hear his heart tearing apart. "JB, bakit ngayon ka lang tumawag. Kanina ka pa hinihintay ni Chinie!" "Dad sorry po. Nakatulog ako sa sobrang pagod. Tumatawag ako sa bahay pero walang sumasagot. Asan po kayo para makapunta ako." "Antayin mo na lang kami sa bahay" JB went to Chinie's house and much to his surprised he saw a lot of people inside. The house were so lighted but you can see the gloom on every person you'll meet there. He was greeted by Chinie's mom on tears. She hug him tight and cried on his shoulders. "Inaantay ka ni Chinie. Hindi sya sumama sa amin kasi hinihintay nyang tawag mo. Pinatay sya nung mga akyat-bahay na nagnakaw sa amin. Wala na sya JB, wala na" "Ma, nagtext pa si Chinie sa akin eh. Paanong nangyari yon?!"

JB can't look who's inside the coffin. He can't move and it feels like his whole body is stucked on the chair his seating. He wanted to cry but it seems that something is blocking his tears to fall down. He turn to his phone and read the messages of Chinie. "baby, antayin ko na lang yung tawag mo. hindi na ko sasama kina dad!" "baby, natatakot ako. parang may tao sa baba ng bahay. please tmwag k n ngyn!" "baby, andiyan na sila. baka patayin nila ako. please tmwag ka na. baby asan k n? i need you here now. please baby andyan na sila..." "baby.... i love you!..." He wanted to shout and cry so loud. It's true that Chinie is waiting for his call. Up to her last breath she only thinks about him. He stare at Chinie inside the coffin. Suddenly tears starts flowing down his cheeks. He can't say anything. The only words he uttered... "My baby, i'm so sorry! If I could have known, i could have fight for you! i'm really sorry! I love you so much!"

After reading this story, tell all your love ones how important they are to you and how much you love them. You'll never know... this might be the last time.........

"CellPhones were invented for this cause! Don't use it stupidly and be not irritated... Tapon mo na lng kung yan ang feeling mo!!!"

Thursday, March 03, 2005

PINOY LESSONS IN LINGUISTICS!!!

1. Noong 1940's, kapag may bra ang babae, pinagbubulungan na at
mababansagang malandi. Noon din ay may French perfume na ang tatak ay
Eclat (silent T). Kaya ang taong maarte ay tinawag ng mga Pinoy na
Eclat (pronounce the T). Ngayon kapag maraming tsetseburetse at kaartehan
ganon din ang tawag, "Ang dami mo namang eklat." Kinalaunan,
pinaikli pa ang eklat at naging ek-ek- "Ang tagal mo
namang magdesisyon kung sasama ka o hindi! Ang dami mong ek-ek!"

2. Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko
ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan
kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni
Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw
ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English,
hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

3. Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five".
Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya "Give me Five, Man" ang
pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang
anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games,
naging High Five o "Give me five, up here!" Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy
basta galing sa America. Ang "Give me five, up here" ay naging "Appear".
Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the moon?" Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear!" At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg, "Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.

4. Nang mag- Community Medicine ako noon sa isang slum area ng
Sta. Ana, Manila. Ito ang top 3 gamit na hindi mawawala sa mga bahay,
gaano mang kaliit ang barung-barong:
1. Panyong may tatak na panalangin ng El Shaddai
2. Television
3. Karaoke.
Kakambal na ng Pinoy ang pagkanta. Noon, kapag nagkakantahan, gamit
ay gitara at song hits (Jingle). Napalitan ito nang 70's-80's ng
minus one. Tapos, karaoke. Ngayon, videoke, at sa huling talaan ng pagkakaalam
ko, 8 na ang namamatay sa "My Way". Naalala ko noong elementary pa
ko, nagtayo ang kuya ko at ng kanyang mga kaibigan ng isang Combo.
Ngayon, ang tawag sa singing group ay-- Band, hindi na Combo at ang
Combo ngayon ay tumutukoy sa Jollibee o McDonald's promo.

5. Sa PGH, may tinatawag na Central Block. Nandoon ang Radiology
Department kung saan ginagawa ang mga X-rays, Ultrasound, CT Scan at
Radiotherapy. Dito ko naobserbahan ang evolution ng mga pinoy medical terms. May
mga pasyente o bantay na aking nasasalubong, ang madalas magtanong ng
direksyon.

Mga Versions ng CT Scan: (Ganon na rin yon, no!)
1. "Dok saan po ba ang Siete Scan?"
2. "Doc saan po ba magpapa-CT Skull"
3. "Doc saan po ba CT Scalp"
4. "Doc saan po ang CT Scam?"
Madalas akong mapagtanungan ng direction papunta sa Cobalt Room. "Doc
saan po ba ang Cobal" Yes, laging walang T, marami na ang ginagamit na term
ay Cobal. Saan napunta ang "T". Marami din kasing
nagtatanong, "Doc, saan po ba ang papuntang X-Tray?" Conclusion:
Ang "T" ng Cobalt, ay napunta sa X-Tray. 7:00 am. Nagbigay ang kasamahan kong doktor ng instruction sa bantay ng pasyente, "Mister, punta po kayo sa Central Block at magpa-schedule kayo ng X-ray ng pasyente ninyo."
3:00 pm. Kadarating lang ng bantay. Nagalit na ang doktor, "Mister,
bakit namang napakatagal ninyong bumalik? Pina-schedule ko lang naman ang
X-ray ah." Sumagot ang bantay, "Eh kasi po Doc, ang tagal kong naghintay sa
gate, haggang sabihin ng guwardiya na sarado daw po ang Central Bank
kasi Sabado ngayon." (Nasa Roxas Blvd ang Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, at
sarado nga naman yon kapag Sabado,( hihihihihi)

6. Nang mag-rotate ako as intern sa Pediatrics ng PGH, mahal na mahal
talaga ng mga nanay ang kanilang mga anak na may sakit. Pilit nilang
tinatandaan ang mga gamot at tawag sa sakit ng kanilang anak.
Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ang mga gamot na iniinom ng anak niyo?"
Mrs 1: "Doc phenobarbiedoll po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po phenobarbital." (Gamot sa convulsion ang
phenobarbital)

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang antibiotic na iniinom ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs 2: "Doc metromanilazole po."
Doktor: "Ah baka po metronidazole." (Gamot sa amoeba ang
metronidazole)

Ang tawag sa recovery room ng PGH ay PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit)
Doktor: "Mrs., tapos na po ang operasyong ng anak ninyo, punta na po
kayo sa PACU.
Mrs 3: "Eh Doc, saan po sa Paco? Sa may simbahan po ba o sa may
palengke?

Doktor: "Mrs. ano po ba ang sinabi ng dating doktor kung ano daw ang
sakit ng inyong anak?"
Mrs 4: "Eh Doc sabi po niya Tragedy of Fallot.
Doktor: "Ah baka po Tetralogy of Fallot (Isang congenital Heart
Disease ang Tetralogy of Fallot)

Biglang nagtatarang ang isang nanay at sumigaw.
Mrs. 5: "Scissors! Scissors! Nag-sciscissors ang anak ko, Doc!"
Doktor: "Nurse, diazepam please, nag-seizure ang
pasyente!

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"
Mrs. 6: May ketong daw po.
In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang
senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang dermatologist para
mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.
Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang sakit ng
bata?"
Mrs 6: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati.
Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."
Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa ihi ay senyales ng
kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Doktor: (Sa buntis na mrs. na nagle-labor) "Mrs. pumutok na po ba ang
panubigan mo?"
Mrs 7: "Eh Doc, wala naman po akong narinig na pagsabog. " (Hanep!)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Paano raw i-control ang emotion?

#1 Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na
ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2 Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o
pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa inyo.

#3 Ang taong galit, 'bingi.' If someone is angry, wala raw
pinakikinggan, so, don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin
dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya.

#4 Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito?
because the Lord said&nbs! p; when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila
dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds
of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag
na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day
bad are jewel, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan
daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not
take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards
them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na
hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept
them and to have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of
this person, "I will grow mature," at DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA
SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.